I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
