he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
