if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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