If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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