Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
