I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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