dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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