I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
