the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
