insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
