i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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