I got chris browned last night
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
love makes seman taste better
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
