I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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