Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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