The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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