i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
