My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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