as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
