just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
