Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
