Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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