Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
