I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
