The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
