you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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