Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize