Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
