The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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