He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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