I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
