I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
