none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
