She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
