So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
