Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
