I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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