My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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