apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
