wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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