dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
