she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize