I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
