I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize