it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
