so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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