How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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