i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Fuck appropriateness.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize