Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This house was built for laser tag.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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