so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
