if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
