i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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