I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I lost the right to judge tonight
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
