Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
