Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
