The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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