you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
