he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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