Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
